I do not even know where to start. I do not know what I can say that will make the pain subside, or even offer me temporary relief from the empty feeling that I am plagued with. It feels like I will exist with this feeling forever.
I know that I won’t. Like everything, this too shall pass. I also know that in these moments, there is opportunity for growth. I know that this just brings me one step closer to where I need to be.
I am not sure what exactly it is that I am mourning. Am I mourning what was, or what could have been? When I look back, I am not entirely sure what it was, so how could I be mourning it? For the past four months, I had dreams of what things could be. My thoughts surrounded around the idea of what was slowly emerging from us. I should have been wondering why these things were taking so long to blossom. Why after all this time, I was still dreaming about what was going to be, one day. Why I kept making excuses. There are a lot of things I should have thought, or done, or said. I can’t go back now.
The thing is, I believed in you. There was something in you that kept me coming back and kept me believing. I saw something beautiful in you. With a little bit of light, I saw it’s potential to reveal itself to the world. I thought I was that light. But now, everything has gone dark and I have realized that I am not that light. You must be willing to accept that light and you weren’t. It’s funny that even in this darkness, I’m convinced that there is still something beautiful within you and I still want to help you find it. I’m still making excuses for everything and waiting for something to change all of this. Something to let the light back in and make everything seem alright again.
I’m not sure what sign I need to see before I move on. I feel like they have all been in front of me. If you have no respect for me, no time for me, and no concern for the hurt that you are causing me, then you don’t deserve me. You don’t deserve to have me crying over you, or even thinking about you.
It’s whatever it is I think I see inside of you that has me coming back. It’s me keeping blind faith that you are better than the man you are being right now. it’s me hoping that you will suddenly realize that, and realize that I was your light. But this, this is all very foolish of me.
You have made your decision and it’s time for me to make mine. It is time for me to be strong and to make that decision that I am better than this. It’s time for me to start fresh and to work my way to a better life. I have done this before. I am capable of it.
You may not truly be the man you are acting like. However, you are being that man right now. And I do not need to stand for that. I am better than that. You are too. But I can’t show you that. I just need to show you that I am better than that. And I know what I deserve. And what I deserve is to walk away from this and start fresh. And fresh means without you. No matter how much that hurts.
I just need to find the strength to follow through with this.