Ramblings

Strength

I do not even know where to start. I do not know what I can say that will make the pain subside, or even offer me temporary relief from the empty feeling that I am plagued with. It feels like I will exist with this feeling forever.

I know that I won’t. Like everything, this too shall pass. I also know that in these moments, there is opportunity for growth. I know that this just brings me one step closer to where I need to be.

I am not sure what exactly it is that I am mourning. Am I mourning what was, or what could have been? When I look back, I am not entirely sure what it was, so how could I be mourning it? For the past four months, I had dreams of what things could be. My thoughts surrounded around the idea of what was slowly emerging from us. I should have been wondering why these things were taking so long to blossom. Why after all this time, I was still dreaming about what was going to be, one day. Why I kept making excuses. There are a lot of things I should have thought, or done, or said. I can’t go back now.

The thing is, I believed in you. There was something in you that kept me coming back and kept me believing. I saw something beautiful in you. With a little bit of light, I saw it’s potential to reveal itself to the world. I thought I was that light. But now, everything has gone dark and I have realized that I am not that light. You must be willing to accept that light and you weren’t. It’s funny that even in this darkness, I’m convinced that there is still something beautiful within you and I still want to help you find it. I’m still making excuses for everything and waiting for something to change all of this. Something to let the light back in and make everything seem alright again. 

I’m not sure what sign I need to see before I move on. I feel like they have all been in front of me. If you have no respect for me, no time for me, and no concern for the hurt that you are causing me, then you don’t deserve me. You don’t deserve to have me crying over you, or even thinking about you.

It’s whatever it is I think I see inside of you that has me coming back. It’s me keeping blind faith that you are better than the man you are being right now. it’s me hoping that you will suddenly realize that, and realize that I was your light. But this, this is all very foolish of me.

You have made your decision and it’s time for me to make mine. It is time for me to be strong and to make that decision that I am better than this. It’s time for me to start fresh and to work my way to a better life. I have done this before. I am capable of it.

You may not truly be the man you are acting like. However, you are being that man right now. And I do not need to stand for that. I am better than that. You are too. But I can’t show you that. I just need to show you that I am better than that. And I know what I deserve. And what I deserve is to walk away from this and start fresh. And fresh means without you. No matter how much that hurts. 

I just need to find the strength to follow through with this.

The Day I Decided to be Happy

At the dinner table, I can’t help but remember who I once was. Behind the excitement of seeing old friends, there is also feeling and it’s not as positive.  I think back to the girl I was when they were a part of my every day life. I worry: what if around them, she is all I know? What if I instantly revert back to that person once we are all together? Will they like me now? Will they be proud of me?

How can you explain to people that one day you just woke up and decided that it was time to be happy? And how can you further explain that it’s not that you were depressed or sad, but that you just weren’t as happy as you could be; you weren’t living to your full potential? Happiness is a funny thing. In one moment, you can think you are happy, but looking back, you may realize that you were simply existing, and that’s not all happy.

I never want to simply exist again. I want to live life with a vitality that is infectious. I want others to want more out of their own lives just by simply being around me. I want people to see my passion and seek out their own. I don’t want to go back to that person I used to be. But at the same time, I don’t wish she had done differently. Her decisions and her actions brought me to where I am today and helped me find myself. She helped me realize that I was tired of living a life that was not meant for me.

There came a time when I looked at my life and my life wasn’t satisfying. I wanted to make a difference in the world, I wanted to do big things, and I wasn’t. There came a time when I looked at the person I was with and they didn’t support me. They didn’t want to see me happy, they didn’t think I could make a difference in the world and they didn’t see the need to do big things. I am a dreamer and I will always be a dreamer. It is  important for me to be able to follow my dreams and have the support to continue dreaming. And when that wasn’t there, I had to walk away.

So here I am. I am happy. Every day, I am filled with passion. I want to learn new things, I want to experience new things. I want to change the world. And I’m doing things to help me get there. My life is filled with people who support me and believe in me. It is filled with people who love that I dream and see me for who I am. I am surrounded by a world of opportunities and people who want to help guide me. And it’s only getting started.

Who I am at this dinner table may not be who I was 3 years ago, and that’s okay. Actually, it is a great thing. That girl is long gone. But the girl (maybe even the woman) who is sitting here, is strong, driven, passionate and genuine. She is going to make a difference in this world and she is going to keep dreaming.

Back to 1990…

I am dating someone existing in 1990.

Okay, not 1990, but I think I have a slight grasp of what it would have been like to date during the pre-iPhone, pre-internet days. It is definitely refreshing, however, it is also frustrating when you have become accustomed to a technological world.

There is something nice about having freedom in my social media world… in all honesty, I could write the craziest things, and he (we will call him Jethro) would never know. However, dating someone with a distaste for technology (in the Facebook, text messaging, sense), is not all thrills and excitement. I mean, when I post something on Facebook that is witty, intelligent, or endearing, it would be nice for Jethro to see and perhaps remain in awe for a few mere moments. But alas, he will never know my social media creative genius.

Then there’s the issue of text messaging. I have become accustomed to the ability to text people throughout the day, maintaining conversations that span over days, sometimes weeks. I have dated people who texted me daily, asking me how my day is going or simply telling me something they have seen, eaten, or experienced in any shape or form. Okay, so maybe there comes a point where the conversation needs to end, or that a text message has no real point, but, it’s kind of cute to know that eating a giant Vietnamese sub made somebody think of me, no? It’s not that henevertexts, just that he doesn’t enjoy texting, he doesn’t see the value and never really initiates it. Also, his text messages are quite formal (in the world of text messaging) and usually end. It is refreshing, and his ability to always use proper grammar within a text message is quite the turn on, however, sometimes it would be nice to send him a text telling him that I walked into a pole on my way to school instead of having to wait until our next date, when really, the novelty has warn off. 

Part of me wonders if this will change as the relationship progresses. Perhaps we are simply at a stage in our whatever this is, where we go days without speaking, despite the opportunities technology provides us with to constantly be in contact. I guess I won’t know until the time comes, if it comes. At this point, I’m going to continue thinking of this as refreshing and not as something that is slowly driving me crazy at the back of my mind.

I used to know how to give myself to someone. I used to know what it felt like to be vulnerable.

I have forgotten.

I spent four months trying to destroy everything I thought I knew about love. I spent four months trying to prove that love didn’t exist and that, despite my reputation, I could be meaningless. It was surprising to even me when I could. And I did. But now what? I spent an entire summer training myself to not necessarily stop feeling, but know that feelings aren’t always reciprocated, and that’s okay. I trained myself to be used. I taught myself that I should never overstay my welcome and that I must remain cool. I must remain unscathed, calm, collective.

And here I am. Four months after summer and I’m feeling. I’m neither calm nor collective; cool nor unscathed. Most of all, I don’t feel meaningless.

I miss you. I think about you all the time and I replay our moments together in my head. I secretly countdown the days until I get to see you again. As you left, you said you would miss me. Did you mean it in the same way that I’m currently missing you?

Despite my distaste for labels, I’m tired of not knowing. Or even knowing but second guessing. I’m tired of preparing for the worst. I want to take down the wall I’ve been holding up, the one that causes me to feel as if I should leave once we’re both dressed. The one that tells me not to overstay my welcome.

When we’re laying there and you’re staring into my eyes, I want to say it all. I want to say how much I have enjoyed spending time with you. I want to say how you’ve brightened up my life and given me faith again. I want to tell you how I had forgotten what it felt like to be completely enthralled by another person, but that you have reminded me. I sometimes daydream that you want to do that too. That when you’re staring at me, your eyes smiling, and you mutter things like, “you have beautiful eyes”, you’re actually thinking the exact same things that I am. But instead, my wall pops up and tells me that you aren’t. It tells me that I am nothing, and that I should walk away.

I don’t want to walk away. I want to stay here, with you, and hang out for a while. I want to stop playing cool and I want to feel.

Fear

“I’ve been worrying that we all live our lives in the confines of fear” - Ben Howard, “The Fear”

Save me.

Please.

Come find me.  Save me from myself before I take things too far. Or perhaps I already have.  We can nurse each other’s wounds and bring each other back to life.

I need life inside me.  Let me breathe you in. 

I could use someone like you.  I could be reminded of what it feels like to feel.  What it feels like to love.  I don’t want to grow cold.  Don’t let me. Come find me. Please.

Don’t let me be fooled by empty words filled with promises of nothing.  Help me recognize my worth.  I don’t want to grow hard.  Show me how warm it can be.  Show me how full I can feel.

I’m losing grip with reality.  I have forgotten how to love.  I don’t want to be afraid. 

Let’s jump in. Head first.  I’m ready if you are. Take my hand in yours and I will no longer be afraid.

This is your invitation to save me.  Save me before it’s too late. Before I’ve damaged too much.

My Missing

I See you sleeping only in my mind
I have been away alone this season
I waste so much time
Thinking of when I would hold you gently
And I’d look into your eyes
And I would be the one to calm your shaking
When you would cry

I miss you in my life
I miss you in my life
I miss you in my life
So miss you in my life

You hide your answers within every smile
Time and time again I’d lose my chances
To reconcile
Even if I had my time over
it would take a while
To reveal all my best intentions
That I let slip by

- Xavier Rudd

You quoted this song.  It didn’t hit me until just now when I listened to the whole song.  Really listened.  My heart broke, just a bit.  How do you move on from being someone’s everything, to being someone’s nothing?  I don’t know.  I was never your everything.  I was your something, but not your everything.  You were my everything.  And now, what are you to me?

The look on your face stirred up so many feelings inside of me.  Feelings of guilt, feelings of relief, feelings of loss.  To see someone and know that they were once yours, but now, they are not is a strange feeling.  It was not a bad thing.  I was not sad.  I just didn’t know what to expect.  And the look in your eyes, was it hatred?  Was it sadness?  Was it the realization that you had expectations and were going to be let down?

You brought her.  She is your something.  Not your everything, not yet, but she is something.  You might be her everything.  Be careful.  She does not know about the messages you send me, the words of love, the apologies.  She is giving you a part of her.  Take care of that. 

It was a first.  A first in our new relationship, new being our lack of a relationship, where we both knew we would be in the same place, at the same time.  You found me.  Was it on purpose?  What were you hoping to find?  Standing there with her head leaning on your shoulder, were you hoping I would feel something like hurt?  Did you want me to hurt the way you hurt?  You weren’t expecting me to be happy, were you?

I am happy.  That night I was happy.  You stood there, still, barely moving to the music, with the same look on your face that I have seen so many times.  That look that I sometimes mistook for anger.  The look that caused so many fights.  But this time, I was not the one next to you.  I was not tied down by your expectations of me.  I was not restricted by your needs and wants.  I was free.  I was free to do as I wished and to feel as I wished.  And, when I felt the need for it, there were loving arms waiting for me.  There was a smile and always a kiss, reassuring me that who I am and what I want, matters.  Those arms and the reassuring smiles and kisses remind me that I am something to someone.  Maybe not his everything.  Not yet.  But his something.  And that felt like more than I ever was to you.

On the topic of commitment…

“There are things I would like to do that you don’t believe in. I would like to build something, but you’ll never see it happen” - Third Eye Blind, “Motorcycle Drive By”

How easy it is to become “afraid of commitment”.

However, what does this truly mean? Am I afraid of committing to someone? To one person? OR, am I more afraid of repeating past mistakes, being vulnerable, and more importantly, failing?

The romantic left in me (she does exist), would like to hope that under the right circumstances, commitment could be something enjoyable.  In a committed, loving relationship, it is not necessary that one, or both, people lose themselves, forget their passions, and end up giving so much of themselves to the relationship that they become empty. My fear then, is not of commitment but of emptiness.

I never want to feel empty.  I never want to forget and lose who I am.  I never want to forget that I am a passionate person and that I have a burning love for life and all that it has to offer.  I am a happy person.  I want to experience everything and with my entire being.  I want to live authentically and be proud of my existence. I want to make a difference.  I want to believe in everything and everyone and I want to always be hopeful.  I want to love with all my heart and I want to be loved back, with the same enthusiasm that I am willing to offer.  I want to wake up every morning with a clear mind and I want to be open to whatever it is the universe will present me with that day.  I want to fall asleep every night knowing that the world is a better place and that I made a difference, albeit a small one. 

The issue of companionship, commitment, relationships, or whatever term you would like to refer to, is that I want someone who is in this with me.  I want someone who is willing to wake up every morning and be ready to be my partner through it all.  I want someone who is supportive during my hard days, and receptive to my support on theirs.  Someone who wants to be there for everything life has to offer.  Most importantly, I want someone who never wants to forget who they are.  Their unique being is what will help make whatever it is we share, a connection that is unbreakable.  I do not want them to bend for me. I want them to be passionate and stand up for what they believe in and I will hope that they believe in me.  I want them to see beauty and endless possibilities.

My wish is not for someone perfect.  It is not for someone of a specific height, weight, hair colour, skin tone, intellect, or anything.  I do not wish that they participate in certain activities, work a certain job, or exist in a specific society.  My wish is for them to share my passion for life, and value happiness over all else.  The person who will ease my fear of commitment will be the perfect addition to my existence.  They will not simply fit well or be perfect, for now.  They will be someone with whom all things seem possible. Together, we will make a difference.

“I think I made you up inside my head”

“Mad Girl’s Love Song”

I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;
I lift my lids and all is born again.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

The stars go waltzing out in blue and red,
And arbitrary blackness gallops in:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed
And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

God topples from the sky, hell’s fires fade:
Exit seraphim and Satan’s men:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I fancied you’d return the way you said,
But I grow old and I forget your name.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

I should have loved a thunderbird instead;
At least when spring comes they roar back again.
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)”
― Sylvia Plath

You can’t possibly exist the way you do inside my mind.  You can’t possibly be the man who haunts my dreams, effortlessly inhabiting my every thought.  I have dreamed you.  I have created a version of you inside my dreams that exists perfectly for me.  The ‘you’ inside my head is littered with perfect flaws and filled completely with everything I could ever need out of life.

As long as I dream of you, nobody else will compare.  You are a fantasy – unattainable and beautiful.  You are the purpose of my current existence.  You are the only thing that can tame me.  

The issue with fantasies is that I can become wrapped up in them.  I can forget reality.  When I exist in that space between unconsciousness and morning, I am in your arms.  The harsh reality of consciousness is a reminder that I am alone.  As are you.  Separated by two different worlds, preventing us from alleviating each others’ loneliness.  But that could be for the best.  Perhaps together, it wouldn’t be this magic.  Perhaps the truth is that we are never meant to be together.  We are to connect only in passing moments.  Those moments where I look into your eyes, hoping you see the truth.  Hoping you see past everything else and you know, for those few seconds, exactly what I am thinking.  That in my eyes, you can see the hours I have spent daydreaming about you. 

I’m caught up in my fantasy, begging for my Disney Princess ending.  And I’m okay with that.

It’s just that it’s delicate…

“We might kiss when we are alone
When nobody’s watching
We might take it home
We might make out when nobody’s there
It’s not that we’re scared
It’s just that it’s delicate”

- Damien Rice, “Delicate”

It’s easy to tell when the person looking in your eyes or kissing you doesn’t like you. However, it seems as though you can also tell when the person looking at you, or kissing you, does.  And the biggest problem with that is, when you grow accustomed to the first, the latter just might change your world.

So how do you know when you’re ready to experience the latter? How do you know when you’re ready to once again give up those empty stares and kisses and throw them all away for the one that means something?

More importantly, after being with someone for so long, what does it feel like when for the first time since, it happens?  The thought is scary… I don’t even remember what it felt like to fall in love the last time.  Love must be different at 19 then it is at 26. 

So maybe what I’m saying is that part of me, not all of me, just might be ready to open myself up to love again.  Not necessarily the everlasting, romantic comedy, “I do”, kind of love, but definitely love.  But let’s not rush into things…